Acme Engineering

©2006 Bill Ott

*Well, I made the thing stop, then we started to inspect ‘er.
And found out she was missing one red reflector*

Buddy Cortines was pinned back in the seat of John Mundy’s Texas based AA/Fuel Dragster as it approached the traps at Green Valley Raceway. He couldn’t hear the car in the other lane, and to quote Martha, "That’s a good thing."

"Looks like I’ll be going one more round today," he probably thought as he instinctively got off the throttle, hit the fuel shut off and mag switch, and then released the chute and grabbed the brake handle... all in one smooth motion. Rolling along with only the sound of the rushing wind, the quiet was broken by an almost inaudible ‘clanging sound’ followed immediately by the hit of the drag chute.

The clanging sound? That was another good thing. It meant the drag chute had opened. Now the shut off area at Green Valley was notoriously short, and if the chute doesn’t open real quick you’d better get on the brakes... fast. And even those Airheart dual spots would have had a tall order getting this missile stopped before the infamous ‘catch net.’

Now for any of the preceding to make any sense... we gotta back up to about a half hour or so earlier to when Buddy and the crew were buttoning up the car in the pits. The next round was being called to the staging lanes and all that remained was to pack the Tony Burnett made chute. That’s when the guys first noticed something was missing. You know that little pilot chute... the thing that comes out of the chute pack first and pulls the main chute out with it? Well... it had vanished! It was absent... gone the way of the buffalo! Or... to quote crewman John Cox who was there helping that Sunday afternoon back in 1967..."It flat wasn’t around."

"Damn, Buddy... what are we gonna do now?" he said.

Buddy told John to keep pressure on what they’d packed so far, be patient and not to go anywhere... he’d be right back. Then he disappeared into the trailer emerging a few seconds later carrying a ten inch adjustable wrench. In another minute or two, the lines that ran from the main chute to the MIA pilot chute were securely tied to that large hole at the end of the wrench. After a little grunting and groaning, twistin’ and turnin’, and tying together, that ol' chute pack was all buttoned up. And it all went together so neatly... that unless you knew to look for it... you couldn’t hardly notice the outline of the wrench. Or make out the name ‘ACME’ that was embossed on its handle.

While consulting with both Buddy and John for this story, they both couldn’t stress enough the importance of using of the correct wrench for this particular application... a ten inch adjustable wrench. So I asked "Why not an eight inch wrench?" Possibly a little too light for the job, I was told. Remember... the chute had to open quickly because of the short shut-off area. "And a twelve inch wrench?" Wa-a-ay too big to fit within the confines of the chute pack. Imagine one end (or both ends!) of the wrench sticking out of the corners of the chute pack.

Buddy also mentioned how relieved he was when they were able to come up with a more suitable pilot chute before the next round of racing, even if it wasn’t wearing the famous ACME label.

More old B.S. later

Badco

Forward advice, rebuttals, and death threats to badco@elp.rr.com

*© 1992 ‘Schwinn Twenty Four’
Words and Music by Kinky Friedman & Shawn Siegal
From the Fruit of the Tune Release "Old Testaments and New Revelations"
Recorded by Kinky Friedman & The Texas Jewboys

Thanks once again to those whom without their help, this would have never been written. John Cox, J.E. Kristek, Buddy Cortines, The Boopster, Fred - the wonder puppy, and the staff at Acme Engineering. Apologies are offered to John for taking so long to finish this up... seems the liquor store up the road received a case of Reserva Del Dueno about a month ago.

THANKS BUD