The Good - The Bad - And The Ugly

© 2005 Bill Ott

*We got scalawags, we got queens in drag
We got pushers, pimps, and punks
We got Krips and Bloods, we got dykes and studs
We got junkies, thieves, and drunks
This is where Juice got turned a-loose
And if you ain’t caught on yet
Ain’t no law in California...
Welcome to the Wild, Wild West*

Part I
THE GOOD

Rick Montague had driven these streets of Ontario hundreds of Saturday mornings before. It’s good to be out alone in the pickup this time of the morning while they’re still half deserted and put aside the hustle and bustle of the past week, maybe run a few errands, and focus on the new drag racing season. Rick serves as the crew chief on Alan and Sean Rizzone’s Alcohol Funny Car and weekends ago the boys had a fairly successful outing at Fontana (CA). An out of the box 6.50 ET followed up by an improved 6.35 has the whole Rizzone crew fired up and looking forward to Feb 25th when they’ll put in an appearance at the Las Vegas test and tune session and finish up a Divisional Meet from last year (November) that got rained out.

Driving along Grand Ave. Rick passes what appears to be a transport trailer for a race car dropped on the shoulder. No tow car/truck or anything... just seemingly deserted there on the side of the road. "Hey... this ain’t right," he’s thinking as he circles back and pulls up behind the abandoned trailer, noticing the letters

www.ww2racing.com

painted across the back door. On the side was lettering that read ‘Orchard Supply & Hardware’ (OSH). Walking along the right side of the trailer, he sees that the side door has been broken into. Then taking a look inside Rick is shocked by what he sees next. A beautifully restored orange and black front engined nostalgia type dragster that has been totally trashed! It also appears that a lot of tools have been stolen and anything that wasn’t taken was strewn about the beat up interior of the trailer.

Not being too familiar with nostalgia racers, he uses his cell phone to call his friend Kurt Kuhns, who instantly recognizes the WW2 Racing as being Jim Murphy’s Nostalgic Top Fuel team. Kurt told Rick to stay put and he’d get back with him. A call to Jim Murphy revealed the trailer had recently been sold to John Ewald and was being used to house and transport his ‘MasterCar’ dragster.

As soon as Rick was apprised of the situation by Kurt he volunteered to tow the wounded trailer to his home. During the interim he noticed that the registration had expired on the trailer and figured the police probably can’t do much about the theft of the trailer and it’s contents, but they wouldn’t hesitate to impound an abandoned trailer with expired plates and Mr. Ewald already has enough problems.

In no time at all John’s trailer was safely parked on Rick’s property. Hey... have you figured out by now Rick’s one of the good guys?

PART II
THE BAD

The 'MasterCar' at the 2004 California Hot rod Reunion

John’s thoughts this morning were centered around his "BankAmericar" dragster and the car show over in Santa Ana where it will be on display (and maybe even be called upon to ‘Cackle’) tomorrow. That is until the phone call from Jim Murphy came. John’s first impulse was "KILL!" His second was to call his pal Alex Mikkelsen. Alex has been involved in the restoration and routine maintenance of both the ‘BankAmericar’ and the ‘MasterCar’ diggers. The last time either of them had seen the ‘MasterCar’ was about 9:30 the night before when they left it locked in the storage yard next to Alex’s "American Roadster" shop over in Placentia. Evidently, after being taken from the lot, it was driven over to Ontario where the low lifes went to work on it right along the side of the road! One of the locals living in the area where the trailer was found reported first noticing it there sometime around 4:00 AM.

Both John and Alex tried to cheer each other up as well as prepare themselves for the worst during the thirty plus mile ride to Ontario. Arriving around noon and looking inside the trailer they both realized it was every bit as bad as they imagined.

The body panels had been ripped off of the chassis to expose the Chrysler Hemi for removal. All of the bolts holding the engine in the racer has been removed... BUT... the thieves tried to use a come-along and one of the aluminum roof braces in the trailer to hoist the engine. Result... one bent roof brace and one engine that didn’t budge from the chassis. Remember... thieves ain’t rocket scientists... just thieves. They did manage to get away with the custom aluminum fuel tank and fuel lines. Perhaps there were directions for their removal accidentally left in the trailer? Also, among the missing were two 8" Lenco driveshafts for both the ‘MasterCar’ and the ‘BankAmericar’ (used for push starting the diggers) as well as a custom built aluminum carrying case for the two of them.... two Simpson firesuits, one black with "BankAmericar AA/FD" and "John Ewald" stitched on it, the other silver with matching boots, gloves, and mask... two Bell helmets, one orange and one candy white and blue... both with ‘John’ lettered on them. Some of these items should be pretty easy to identify... how about you folks out Southern California way keeping an eye peeled at the local swap meets?

And of course all of the hand tools, as well as assorted air tools, hydrometer, four five gallon jugs of NITRO, generator, floor jack, jack stands, ramps, aluminum supports for the canopy, Halon fire extinguisher (large) were gone.

By the time you read this John plans on having the ‘MasterCar’ well on it’s way to being ‘just like before’. Let’s all wish him and his team of friends and cohorts the best on this endeavor. There hasn’t been much help from the local Police or the C.H.P. But he does have the local fireman pitching in and keeping their eyes open as they make their rounds through the area. Heroes.

Now before the thieves left with the stuff they managed to steal so far... one theory being circulated is they were planning to come back if the trailer was still there that night to finish what they had started... they found a can of EZ-OFF oven cleaner on one of the shelves and decided to spray it on the painted body panels and the chrome and polished aluminum pieces just for laughs.

Oh... one other thing the thieves got away with was a red and black electric scooter... maybe one of them will crash it and be critically injured? That’s what should happen if there’s really any justice in this world.

Bad Karma = Bad Karma

PART III
THE UGLY

"Flyin'" Phil Elliott has been a drag racing fan, competitor, and journalist most of his life. He spent ten years on the staff of the now defunct Super Stock/Drag Illustrated magazine working beside the legendary Steve Collison. He also penned his own monthly column monthly ‘Up In Smoke’ while with the staff of SS/DI. Phil also served as Editor for AHRA Drag World, IHRA Drag Review, as well as the Goodguy Gazette and has his own column right here on Draglist... PhilZone.

But out of all the accomplishments in his long journalistic career, none compared to the one that hasn’t seen the light of day as of yet. An as of yet unfinished novel... years of sweat and work have gone into this puppy. Someday soon, it’ll be finished... then he’ll find a publisher... then he’ll have accomplished the essence of what all journalists seek. A book, published, with his name on it.

Then came the day back in January he returned to his home of just three months to find what all of us dread. The garage door that was locked when he left, was open when he came home. Entering his apartment/townhouse through the garage, he found that it too had been broken into and ransacked. And of course, things were stolen. Including an Olympus C-60 digital camera with a 128 Mb ‘chip’, an old inactive cell phone, a check book with about 10 or 15 unused checks, and unfortunately an Apple iBook laptop computer, with power supply, carrying case, and all of the essentials.

Now, all of this stuff can be replaced, right? Unfortunately, Phil carried no Renters Insurance. Still, over time these things can be replaced, right? Well, maybe not everything. Stored away in the memory banks of the iBook were some freelance writing jobs that are by now ‘Past Due’. But also in those memory banks was the complete manuscript of that yet to be complete novel... not copied or backed up... just gone. Gotta be devastating. Phil about summed up the whole thing with these words "I don’t even want to go home. I’m actually scared there. I don’t know what to do.”

As was the case with John Ewald, the police haven’t been much help at all... file a report, then Bye Bye. "If you really want any of this stuff back... maybe you’d better check out all of the pawn shops and swap meets yourself."

PART IV
UPDATES

I started this thing late in January, then had a bout with the Flu and some problems with an old title on a house we’re trying to buy in Texas. Which left me with an attention span about as long as... hey you know how short I mean, right? Anyway, it’s kinda difficult to write this stuff when you can’t keep track of where you was... so I felt it best that I get in contact with all of the affected parties once more to find out if there has been any change in their situations

THE GOOD UPDATE

Hey... ever hear of an ‘All in One Jet Tool’ or as it’s more commonly known a ‘Jettool’? Well, that’s a photo of one below. The Jettool features a hardened flat blade for removing or installing the jets,,, threaded holes that hold up to six jets... and a 9/16 12 pt. socket for removing the cap on the barrel valve. All rolled into the same unit. Described also as "A quick and easy tool for changing the by-pass pill on an alcohol or NITRO engine.” The previously mentioned Rick Montague machines them right in his own garage behind the house (photo below). If you’d be interested in purchasing one or finding out more about the Jettool contact Rick at rickmontague@yahoo.com And yes indeed, this is a shameless plug, or to quote that famous drag racer "Now is that suckin’ up or what?"

Rick also informed me that the Team Rizzone Alcohol Funny Car has just acquired major sponsorship from Warrior Blowers out of Las Vegas, NV www.WarriorBlowers.com and will be sporting a new look at that upcoming Vegas meet mentioned earlier.

THE BAD UPDATE

Talked with John Ewald just yesterday and the news ain’t all that good. Oh sure, the digger is at Bruce Dyda’s place having the body repaired and getting a new fuel tank hammered out as you read this... BUT... None of the stolen items... that’s right none... have been recovered and with each passing day, the prospect of them materializing grows slimmer. As soon as the body is finished, Jerry Seiver at Paintin’ Place will squirt some fresh paint on it, then everyone’s favorite artist... Kenny Youngblood will apply the lettering ‘just like before’. Then there’s that glopped up polished aluminum that needs another buffing. But all in all, John’s staying pretty upbeat about the whole project and plans on having the ‘MasterCar’ on display right next to it’s brother ‘BankAmericar’ by mid March. The damaged trailer has been repaired and returned to Alex’s. John said he was hurt deeply by the theft and vandalism, and also said "I won’t be healed until it’s all fixed." Knowing John and the team, he has working for him... It’s a safe bet the healing and fixing aren’t more than just a few weeks away.

THE UGLY UPDATE

It would appear there ain’t no law in Nevada either. Flyin’ Phil’s case has been ‘suspended’ by the local authorities due to lack of evidence... or perhaps interest? At any rate, whoever broke into Phil’s apartment didn’t leave behind a single fingerprint... leaving the locals of course...clueless.

If there’s a lesson to be learned from Phil’s dilemma it’s gotta be.... if you have anything of any value on your computer... back it up... back it up... back it up. I have a natural distrust of these damn things anyway. And yes... I’ve learned the hard way. I’ll make one or sometimes even two backups of whatever I’m working on. Of course, out there in the Wild Wild West... hell they’re liable to even swipe the backups!

More old B.S. later.

Forward advice, rebuttals, and death threats to badco@comcast.net

* © 2000 "Ain’t No Law in California"
Words and Music by Charlie Daniels
and the Charlie Daniels Band
From the Blue Hat Records Release
"Road Dogs"

Though released in 2000 "Road Dogs" has a sound that can only be described as pure 70's Country Rock. Well worth a listen. Couldn’t find any info on how this release charted and didn’t really feel like pursuing it too hard.

A word of thanks to Rick Montague, John Ewald, Don Ewald and the folks at www.wediditforlove.com, Flyin’ Phil, Dan Kaplan, The G-Man, Del Dueneo tequila, and Coricidin HBP.

Thanks again to Soaps by Betty for their continued support www.angelfire.com/wizard/soapsbybetty

THANKS BUD

RIPHST

GOD BLESS OUR TROOPS

MEMBER