Jr. Digger Winning Secrets
By Fred "Bikester" Vosk
...So after we got banned for a year when they caught our driver smoking a cigar behind the trailer (and figured out he was a midget), we laid back and regrouped. We put the engine back on the mower, and did a little work on the yard. Then we heard about this deal in Bosnia where we could get a 'package' deal. A good price as long as we took six, all under six months old.
We flew over there and they had a hundred of em' all in this big room. Figured I'd use the same test that FULLER used to pick out Prudhomme. You know, where you throw something at somebody when they're not expecting it, and see how they react. We finely narrowed it down to five who kinda made a move towards the can of 'Bud' when it flew at them. And one who snatched the can outta mid-air, popped it open, drank it, and threw back the empty. We might have found our 'Snake'!
But there was still a long way to go; drivers don't just happen overnight
Takes a while to build a 'Shoe'! As soon as we got em' over here, all six of them went on the 'program.' You know, Christmas trees over their cribs (gotta work on those reactions), Nitro in their bottles, and wearing little fire suits and full-face helmets all the time. Gotta get them used to this stuff, we want em' to be comfortable, ya know. Hey! We got a responsibility here!
Had tapes of John Force interviews playing 24 hours a day. Sure enough, it was working. Soon as they started to talk, they all sounded like Force. Got to where we had to wear earplugs whenever we were around them.
Then we taught 'em how to make every third word a sponsor's name, and started getting them 'logo sensitive.' You know, wearing those cute little baseball caps with the name of their favorite beer or cigarettes on the front. We taught one how to cry and 'thank Jesus' for the win, just in case we landed a NASCAR deal.
By the time they started 'trike drags,' it was obvious who the 'Shoe' was. Little 'Snakey' could work the 'tree' like nobody's business, and was fearless on the top end (and trikes are kind of a handful in the 'eyes'). So the driver choice was pretty much a forgone conclusion. We picked a crew chief, a tuner, and two
crew people out of the other five. Had to let one go. Too bad, washed up at four. Hope she got a job. I'm sure there's somebody out there who will hire a four-year-old girl who talks like John Force.
The rest is history... You know about our Nationals win, and landing the 'Jr. Winston' sponsorship. The team is getting older now, but the Winstons (and a little surgery) have kept them small. Should be able to run them a couple more years, and by then the training on the new batch should be done. The new ones look really quick, and we got them from India (maybe they'll stay small a little longer).
Hey, it's a rough game out there. Gotta stay on top to keep them ol' sponsor bucks rollin' in, ya know